The Ideal Self: Who We Want to Be

Kathy Ellis
Mar 9
9 min read

Updated: Apr 18

Key Points

Your ideal self is who you want to be. Who do you want to be? How do you want to interact with your world, from your relationships to work, school, and yourself? Do you want to be more patient, kind, and engaging, or improve your boundaries and adjust your expectations? Is your ideal self realistic, within your potential?
Lots of things shape our ideal self. Many things shape who we think we should be or become. The ideals, possibilities, expectations, and projections of our family and friends, TV, movies, and social media influence our ideal selves.
Ideal self shifts and changes as we go through life. Our ideal self can change as we get older and have new experiences. That's normal! So, if you wanted to be a doctor growing up but went into another field, don't despair. Your ideal self shifted.
It's essential to examine our ideal selves from time to time. When our ideal self is realistic and congruent with who we are and our abilities, it can motivate us to grow and make positive changes. And a significant gap between who we think and want to be can create psychological stress.

The Ideal Self

What is your ideal-self? Is it realistic and grandiose? The ideal-self is one component of self-concept and represents the person we want to become. Self-concept is how we see ourselves as a person. It is what gives us a sense of self. It includes self-esteem, self-image, and the ideal-self. Understanding it is essential for personal growth and motivates us to improve and achieve our goals. When we are clear about our ideal-self it gives us direction and purpose. However, an unrealistic ideal-self can be discouraging and create deep feelings of inadequacy, even despair.

Theoretical Background

Carl Rogers 1902-1987, like many in psychology and human development, believed the ideal-self is what we aspire to be (It says that in the term, after all.) He discussed congruence, the match between our authentic self (how we perceive ourselves now) and our ideal self. A significant difference between who we think we are and who we aspire to be can cause psychological and emotional stress. A close match leads to well-being.

When we have a realistic view of ourselves, we can accept what we can't change and focus on what we can. We can also emphasize and enjoy our positive traits. We can set achievable goals when we accept our authentic selves, flaws, limits, and all. But more importantly, when our authentic self and ideal self are congruent, we don't experience the psycho emotional stress we would if we think we fall very short of who we think we should be. Someone who accurately sees themselves as an average athlete and would like to improve well enough to join an informal neighborhood will feel OK about themselves. But if the average athlete sees themselves as joining an organized, sponsored team playing in a league will be disappointed to learn they don't have what it takes.

Here are two of many researchers who have also studied the ideal-self.

A German psychoanalyst, Karen Horney 1885-1952, discussed how "shoulds" can create unrealistic ideals. Our ideal-self is shaped by the "shoulds" we put upon ourselves and those pushed upon us by others. She coined the term "tyranny of the shoulds," which captures the pressure we feel to match an idealized self, often created by internalizing the expectations of others. These "shoulds" create constant pressure to meet an endless checklist and create a cycle of unrealistic expectations.

When "shoulds" dominate, they become a significant source of stress, shame, inadequacy, self-doubt, and anger. Our inner critic relentlessly whispers: "I should be smarter, more outgoing, more productive." "I should be more like my friend; she's doing so well.", "I shouldn't waste any time. I'll never catch up.

When I was a therapist, many clients would say they "should" do this or that or talk about others, telling them what they "should" do. It was a consistent theme in therapy and created stress and interfered with people finding their true selves. Knowing our 'true self' is knowing our strengths, skills, limits, failings, hopes, interests, personality traits and quirks, temperaments, intelligence, and more. I worked with many people who thought they weren't funny, smart, or interesting, and they were those things. Of course, almost all people believe they aren't good-looking enough, a result of a broken society pushing unrealistic images and appearances, creating insecurity and generating more spending.

Albert Bandura, 1925-2021, a Canadian-American psychologist, explored how self-efficacy relates to pursuing our ideal-self. Bandura determined that self-efficacy—our belief in our ability to succeed—shapes our motivation, resilience, and, ultimately, our achievements. Those with a strong sense of self-efficacy take on challenges and persevere even when faced with setbacks. Individuals troubled by self-doubt (low self-efficacy) tend to shy away from situations they deem too demanding, effectively limiting their potential.

How the Ideal Self Develops

The ideal self starts to take shape when we're kids. It's influenced by our family, friends and what society tells us we could be and what roles we should fill. We start to imagine the person we'd like to be based on what we think we could become. Sometimes, though, what we think we "should" be able to do might not match our abilities. Or we're conditioned to believe we can't reach our potential when we could.

Remembering that our ideal self can change over time is also important. As we grow and learn more about ourselves, we might realize that our goals are no longer realistic or that we want to pursue different things. And that's OK. It's all part of figuring out who we are and what we want from life.

Social Comparison and the Ideal Self

Until social media began in the mainstream (only 21 years ago), the people in our lives and some TV influenced our ideal-self. Today, social media constantly presents unrealistic "possibilities," affecting our ideal selves and creating harmful comparisons. Education and work experiences also contribute, along with our values and beliefs. As we grow, all these things influence the ideals of who we want to be.

But now, in the age of social media, we are bombarded with images of seemingly perfect people, making it challenging to develop a realistic ideal self. We often use social comparison to gauge our progress and identify areas we want to improve. However, social comparison can be harmful, especially when it leads to feelings of inadequacy or envy.

Remembering that social media often presents a distorted view of reality is important. People tend to show their best selves online, and they may not be truthful about their struggles or insecurities.

What Makes Up the Ideal Self

Our ideal-self isn't just one thing – it's more like a recipe with different ingredients:

Personality: Traits we want to have, like kindness or confidence.
Behaviors: How we want to act, like being a good listener.
Achievements: What we want to accomplish, like a specific career.
Relationships: The kind of relationships we want, like close family.
Morals: Our ethical principles, like honesty.
Physical/Health: Our goals for our bodies and health.

Our desired self shapes how we want to interact with the world. You may admire people who stay calm under pressure and aspire to be less reactive, or you want to be known for your creativity and kindness.

The way we want to behave reflects our ideal-self in action. We might aspire to be a better listener, show more patience with family, or stay organized at work. For instance, if you value connection, you might work on putting your phone away during conversations.

Our dreams and goals are a function of our ideal-self. These aren't just about career success or building a family – they might include learning to play an instrument, mastering a new language, or becoming more involved in your community.

The relationships we want to build are a part of our ideal-self. Perhaps we aspire to be a more understanding partner, present parent, or reliable friend. These relationship goals often reflect our deeper values about connection and care. Sometimes, we do not behave in these ways but wish we did, creating a gap between who we are and who we want to be. This incongruence can create emotional stress, guilt, and disappointment in ourselves.

Our moral compass guides who we want to be at our core. This might mean standing up for what's right, being honest even when it's hard, or helping others when possible.

Health and physical goals are also part of our ideal-self, but they're healthiest when they focus on how we want to feel rather than just how we want to look.

It's easy to get caught up in wanting to look a certain way, especially with all the images we see in the media. But, focusing only on appearance can sometimes lead to unhealthy habits or unrealistic expectations. But what if we shifted our focus?"

When we focus on how we want to feel, it's easier to make healthy choices that we can stick with for the long haul. For example, instead of saying, "I want to lose 20 pounds," you could say, "I want to have more energy so I can play with my kids," or "I want to feel stronger so I can try out for the basketball team."

These goals are more about what our bodies can do than how they look. They can help us appreciate our bodies for all the amazing things they can do and motivate us to take care of ourselves.

The Ideal Self Changes

The ideal-self is constantly updated and revised as we learn and grow. Think about it: when you were a little kid, your ideal-self might have been a teacher, ball player, or a superhero. (Mine was to be a veterinarian.) But as you got older, your aspirations probably changed (When I realized I was afraid of needles and the sight of blood.) as you developed new interests - and realized there wasn't a job market for superheroes.

Life events can also have a significant impact on our ideal-self. Getting married or having kids can make us want to be more responsible or nurturing. Starting a new job might inspire us to become more ambitious or creative. Our ideal-self adjusts as we develop new interests and passions, learn more about the world, and create a moral compass. It is important to remember that the ideal-self is simply a reflection of who we want to be at a particular time.

It's all part of self-discovery. As we experience new things and learn more about ourselves, our ideal-self evolves to reflect our changing values and priorities.

Our ideal-self adjusts as we develop new interests and passions, learn more about the world, and create a moral compass. It is important to remember that the ideal-self is simply a reflection of who we want to be at a particular time.

Finding Inspiration

Think about someone you admire. What qualities do they have that you'd like to have, too? It could be their kindness, courage, or dedication to something they believe in. Our ideal self is often inspired by people we look up to. They show us what's possible and give us a sense of direction. But it's essential to choose carefully! Not everyone who seems admirable on the surface is a good role model. Instead of focusing on fame or popularity, look for people who demonstrate strong values like kindness, ethics, and a commitment to making the world better. Those are the qualities that truly matter.

Conclusion

The ideal-self is an essential component of our identity, shaped by childhood experiences, cultural influences, and societal expectations. Theorists like Rogers, Horney, and Bandura have discussed how this aspirational self-concept influences our psychological well-being. In addition, they address issues like congruence, the "tyranny of shoulds," and self-efficacy and how these affect our well-being.

The complex nature of the ideal-self encompasses personality traits, behaviors, achievements, relationships, morals, and physical health goals, which evolve throughout our lifespan.

Current research explores how digital technologies and social media continue to shape our ideal selves, particularly in younger generations. Investigating cultural differences in ideal-self formation could provide valuable insights into our increasingly globalized world.

The ideal-self doesn't exist in isolation but interacts continuously with the other components of self-concept. While self-image reflects our current view of ourselves and self-esteem represents our self-worth, the ideal-self is a guiding star for personal growth and development.