Self-Esteem: How We Value Ourselves

Kathy Ellis
Mar 2
14 min read

Updated: May 10

Key Points

Everyone's self-esteem goes up and down: Feeling more confident some days is normal. What matters is how you handle those ups and downs. When feeling down, try to be kind to yourself and remember your strengths.
Self-esteem grows with practice: Just like learning a new skill, building self-esteem takes time and effort. Start by focusing on your strengths and celebrating your accomplishments, no matter how small.
Surround yourself with positive people: Friends and family who believe in you can make a big difference in your self-esteem. Choose to spend time with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself.
You are worthy of love and respect: No matter what, remember that you are valuable and deserving of good things. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.

This essay explores self-esteem, self-image, and self-concept, gaining insights into our identity, behavior, and tools to improve each. How do we find our true selves and gain confidence? It's not easy, but insight and a little effort can help.

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves and our worth.
Childhood experiences, social interactions, and cultural influences shape it.
Our self-esteem well-being, impacting relationships, mental health, motivation, and physical health.
Focus on self-acceptance, accomplishments and setting boundaries.

What Is Self-Esteem and Why Is It Important?

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves and our worth. Healthy self-esteem is crucial for overall well-being, impacting relationships, mental health, motivation, and physical health. Understanding self-esteem is crucial because it impacts nearly every aspect of our lives—how we form relationships, learn, handle challenges, and develop goals. It even affects our happiness and sense of purpose.

Psychologists, sociologists, and educators have researched self-esteem since the late 1800s. William James defined it as the feeling of self-worth that results from meeting our expectations for personally valued activities. In other words, we feel good about ourselves when we do and accomplish what we value. Trying to meet others' expectations may not boost our self-esteem, even if we're successful, because we value their priorities, not our own.

While researchers and theorists have differing ideas on how self-esteem functions, they all view it as a fundamental aspect of how we interact with every dimension of life, from social relationships to personal fulfillment and success.

- Taking care of our self-esteem is as important

as exercising and eating a healthy diet. -

Self-esteem and self-concept often get mixed up because they both relate to how we see ourselves, but they are different. However, they are interconnected and influenced by our self-image:

Self-esteem is about how we feel about ourselves and our worth.
Self-image is how we perceive our physical attributes, from appearance to abilities.
Self-concept is about what we think of ourselves, including our identity and abilities.

Two Types of Self-Esteem

Trait Self-Esteem

This stable characteristic forms during early life experiences. It involves receiving consistent support and encouragement from caregivers, learning how to solve problems independently, and growing up in a safe environment. Early experiences create the foundation for how we perceive our worth throughout life. Without those connections and experiences, self-esteem can be underdeveloped or damaged.

State Self-Esteem

Specific situations or experiences can influence temporary fluctuations in self-worth. For example, receiving criticism at work, going through a breakup, or achieving a significant personal goal can cause State Self-Esteem to rise or fall. These changes are often short-term and depend on external events. Someone with good Trait Self-Esteem can weather these fluctuations. However, these temporary situations can have a lasting impact on someone who struggles with their self-esteem, as they may internalize negative experiences, viewing them as personal failures or evidence of their unworthiness, which can perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Critical Aspects of Self-Esteem

Feeling worthy

When you believe you deserve good things and are worthy of love and respect, you are more likely to seek positive relationships, creating a cycle of mutual respect and appreciation that reinforces your sense of worth.

Accepting yourself

Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, be OK with not being perfect, and remind yourself that it's OK to make mistakes. Focus on what you can learn from the experience vs beating yourself up. Accepting ourselves in a judgmental world with false images of 'perfection' everywhere is hard. But remember, behind the facades are imperfections.

Trusting your judgment

People with strong self-esteem gather facts and form opinions. When you trust your own decisions rather than rely on external validation, it strengthens boundaries and helps you avoid negative influences. To some degree, we are all swayed by family, friends, and the information coming at us. But with healthy self-esteem, we don't absorb the opinions of others, and trusting yourself reinforces positive and balanced self-esteem.

Taking pride in your accomplishments

Recognizing and celebrating your successes, big or small, acknowledges your self-worth. For example, celebrating finishing a challenging project at work or even sticking to a daily exercise routine can boost your sense of accomplishment. "Celebrating" could be as simple as saying "good job" to yourself. Mistakes happen in life, and someone with healthy self-esteem doesn't dwell on them but learns from them and feels good about their successes.

Being kind to yourself

Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you'd offer a loved one. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes or shortcomings; acknowledge them without judgment and focus on learning and growing.

- Mistakes are what we do—not who we are! -

Developing Theories on What Makes Us—Us

The Age of Enlightenment

The term "self-esteem" as we know it today became prominent in the mid-20th century, with the rise of humanistic psychology and the work of figures like Morris Rosenberg. However, during the 18th Century Age of Enlightenment perspectives on the individual and society were changing. Philosophers explored ideas of Reason and Emotion, the Social Contract and Society, Education and Progress, Nature vs. Nurture, and Individual Liberty and Rights, to name a few.

It was a time of groundbreaking discoveries challenging antiquated traditional assumptions: for instance, kings were divine, religion was authority, women were chattel, and people were mere workers with no self-expression.

Before psychology became a formal discipline, philosophers were the primary investigators of the human mind and behavior. Philosophers who have explored profound questions about consciousness, morality, knowledge, and human nature have significantly influenced the development of psychology.

Of course, through the centuries, we've learned a lot about human nature and how the brain influences the mind. Research has attempted to answer an ancient question: Is nurture or nature creating who we are as individuals? Spoiler alert—it's both.

Here are a few notable figures who examined what makes us—us.

Aristotle (384-322 BCE)

Aristotle's ideas laid the foundation for many areas of Western philosophy, including thoughts on consciousness and knowledge.

Consciousness and Knowledge: Aristotle's exploration of the human soul and its faculties laid the groundwork for understanding consciousness. He posited that humans are rational beings, which means that the actualization of the soul (or self) occurs through reason.
Nature of Good and Evil: In his ethical works, particularly the Nicomachean Ethics, he discussed virtue ethics, suggesting that good is achieved through a balanced life guided by reason.
Human Nature: Aristotle viewed humans as social animals who achieve their potential through community and education, emphasizing that moral virtues develop through habituation rather than being innate.

Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)

Immanuel Kant was a central figure in modern philosophy who revolutionized how we understand knowledge and morality.

Knowledge Acquisition: Kant proposed a theory of knowledge that emphasized the role of human perception in shaping understanding. His Critique of Pure Reason discusses how we acquire knowledge through both sensory experience and rational thought.
Moral Philosophy: Kant believed we should judge whether something is right or wrong by asking a simple question: would it work if everyone did it? He called this idea the "categorical imperative." Instead of relying on religion or gut feelings, he wanted a logical way to make moral choices. Think of it like this - if you're wondering whether it's OK to litter, ask yourself what would happen if everyone threw their trash on the ground. The answer tells you if it's right or wrong.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Friedrich Nietzsche was a German philosopher, cultural critic, poet, and composer whose work influenced Western thought.

Nature of Good and Evil: In works like Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche challenged traditional moral values. He argued that concepts of good and evil are socially constructed rather than inherent truths, advocating for a reevaluation of morality based on individual strength and creativity.
Human Nature: His ideas about the "will to power" suggest that human beings are driven by fundamental instincts and desires, which shape their understanding of morality.

Benedict de Spinoza (1632-1677)

Benedict de Spinoza, a Dutch philosopher of Portuguese Jewish origin, was one of the early thinkers of the Enlightenment and modern biblical criticism, including modern conceptions of the self and the universe; he came to be considered one of the great rationalists of 17th-century philosophy.

Consciousness: Spinoza's theories in Ethics argue that emotions play a crucial role in human behavior. He believed that understanding these emotions is key to understanding consciousness.
Good and Evil: He defined good as what is beneficial to us, while evil is what hinders us from achieving good. Spinoza's work emphasizes a naturalistic approach to ethics rooted in human psychology.

John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)

John Stuart Mill was an English philosopher, political economist, and civil servant. One of the most influential thinkers of classical liberalism, he contributed widely to social theory, political theory, and political economy.

Nature of Good: Mill's utilitarianism asserts that actions are right if they promote happiness. His exploration into moral philosophy addresses how we measure good and evil based on their consequences for overall well-being.
Human Development: Mill also emphasized individual liberty and personal development as essential to achieving happiness, linking ethical considerations with human nature

David Hume (1711-1776)

David Hume was a Scottish Enlightenment philosopher, historian, economist, and essayist best known today for his highly influential system of philosophical empiricism, skepticism, and naturalism.

Knowledge Acquisition: Hume's empiricism suggests that knowledge comes primarily from sensory experiences. He questioned the reliability of reason alone in understanding human nature.
Morality: Hume argued that moral judgments are rooted in human emotions rather than rationality, proposing that our sense of right and wrong arises from feelings rather than objective truths.

Exploring questions such as "What is consciousness?" "What is the nature of good and evil?" "How do we acquire knowledge?" and "What makes us human?", these philosophers laid the groundwork for the field of psychology, and we've been exploring human nature and development ever since. The field of psychology is ever-changing, and we gain new, more accurate knowledge and insight all the time. Several theories have changed in the last fifty years with new research and decades of new data. However, the initial theories on self-esteem, self-image, and self-concept remain valuable and provide a strong foundation for understanding human behavior and offer insights into facilitating individual change.

Let's look at the contributions of three key figures in developing our understanding of self-esteem, starting with William James, a prominent figure in the development of American psychology.

William James (1842-1910) and Self-Actualization

William James was a psychologist and American philosopher considered the "father of American psychology." He wrote extensively about the 'self.' His work in The Principles of Psychology (1890) included ideas about self-feeling and self-worth, pre-dating the formal term "self-esteem."

With Abraham Maslow, William James laid a foundation for positive psychology by emphasizing human potential, well-being, and self-actualization.

James believed balancing actual achievements (success) and expectations or aspirations (pretensions) determines our self-esteem. When we achieve what we think we can accomplish, our self-esteem rises. If we fail to meet our expectations, our self-esteem lowers.

The Components of His Formula

Success

When we accomplish our goals, whether big or small, it adds to our positive self-esteem. If we consistently reach our goals, our self-esteem will likely be high. But the goals need to be in line with our capabilities. If the goals are "too easy," achieving them won't increase our self-esteem. However, setting small and manageable goals can be important if we fall into a slump or have a trauma or crisis. Let's say you usually run five miles a day. Then, on a 'normal day,' you set a goal to run 1/2 mile. Meeting that goal would be too easy and not boost your self-esteem. But if you've suffered a great loss, contributing to depression, forgetfulness, and motivation, then setting a goal of 1/2 mile might be all you can manage at the time.

And, of course, if we don't achieve our goals, it can create feelings of inadequacy and lower self-esteem. This is why making unrealistic goals and New Year's resolutions can be problematic. If we don't or can't follow through, it leaves us feeling bad about ourselves.

That said, it's important not to avoid making goals so we can't fail. Goals are critical to human development, fulfillment, and who we are.

Pretensions (Goals)

James referred to the goals we set for ourselves and our beliefs about what we can achieve as our "pretensions." Our aspirations, societal expectations, and cultural norms influence the goals we set for ourselves, which need to be within our reach.

Summary: William James's formula proposes that self-esteem is not solely based on achievements but develops from achieving a balance between our accomplishments and what we believe we are capable of achieving.

Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) and the Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a way of understanding human motivation. It's often shown as a pyramid, with different levels representing different needs. According to Maslow, self-esteem is a big part of personal growth and happiness.

He split esteem into two main types:

Esteem from Others comes from things like recognition, respect, and admiration from people around us (basically external validation).
Self-esteem is about how we feel about ourselves—our confidence and sense of self-worth (internal validation).

The Structure of Maslow's Hierarchy

Physiological Needs (food, water, shelter, sleep)
Safety Needs (physical safety, financial security, health, freedom from abuse)
Social Needs (healthy relationships, belonging to groups or communities)
Esteem Needs (esteem from others + self-esteem)
Self-actualization (realizing one's full potential)

Maslow emphasized that esteem needs are critical for psychological health and well-being. Without fulfilling these needs, individuals may struggle with feelings of inferiority or inadequacy, hindering personal development.

Self-actualization as the Ultimate Goal

Maslow believed individuals could only focus on self-actualization—fulfilling their highest potential—after meeting the foundational needs of basic care, safety, social connection, and developing self-esteem.

Summary: Maslow's hierarchy of needs illustrates how self-esteem is linked to overall well-being and personal development. (Seems like common sense, yes?)

Mark Leary (1954-) and Sociometer Theory

Mark Leary's sociometer theory is relatively new and suggests that it is our relationships and interactions with others that create self-esteem. We will have higher self-esteem if we feel loved, respected, and part of a group or community.

The sociometer theory suggests that self-esteem is shaped less by an internal assessment of our worth and more by ongoing feedback about how well we fit in socially. Self-esteem fluctuates in response to cues of acceptance or rejection from the groups or communities that matter to us.

Humans are profoundly social creatures. Our survival and well-being historically depended on group membership, which ensured access to resources, protection, and cooperative relationships. Being rejected or ostracized threatened one's survival and psychological well-being. Because of these evolutionary pressures, people developed an internal "alarm system" — or sociometer — that monitors for signs of acceptance or rejection.

Key Components of Sociometer Theory

Self-Esteem as a Social Gauge: Sociometer Theory sees self-esteem as an internal monitor measuring perceived acceptance or rejection.
Feedback Mechanism: Positive feedback (inclusion) raises self-esteem; negative feedback (exclusion) lowers it.
Human Need for Belonging: We rely on group affiliation for emotional well-being.
Fluctuations Based on Social Interactions: Self-esteem rises and falls with social interactions and relationships.

Factors Influencing Self-Esteem

Childhood: Family dynamics, parenting styles, and sibling relationships influence self-esteem development.
Personal Experiences: Past successes or failures shape how we perceive our capabilities.
Social Interactions: Positive relationships provide support and validation; negative interactions can damage self-esteem.
Cultural and Societal Influences: Unrealistic portrayals of beauty and success can lower self-esteem if we internalize these standards.

Sociometer Relevance Today

Although we no longer fear sabertooth tigers, social acceptance remains essential for our emotional and psychological well-being, opportunities, and sense of identity. Workplaces, friend groups, and social media rely on validation and support, echoing the same evolutionary instincts that helped our ancestors survive.

Summary: Mark Leary's sociometer theory proposes that self-esteem is like an internal gauge that measures how accepted we feel by others. Feeling included and valued boosts our self-esteem, while feeling rejected lowers it. This theory highlights the importance of social connection for our well-being.

All three theories discussed here emphasize the importance of social connection and belongingness for self-esteem, but how self-esteem develops differs slightly in each theory.

Maslow believed self-esteem was the sum of one's internal sense of worth and the external esteem shown by others.
James' theory of self-esteem suggests self-esteem was primarily an internal measure arising from how individuals weigh their achievements against their aspirations.
The sociometric theory by Leary suggests that our relationships and interactions with others create self-esteem, which acts as an eternal alarm system that tells us if we are safe and secure in the world.

And I'd like to add my theory. (That's what you get to do when you write your own essay.) Drawing inspiration from these foundational theories, I propose a model that integrates their key insights into a comprehensive framework.

The Self-Esteem Integration Model (Kathy Ellis, 1956 – )

My theory on the development and stability of self-esteem integrates ideas from William James, Abraham Maslow, and Mark Leary. This synthesized view recognizes that self-esteem emerges from three interconnected dimensions: internal mastery, personal worth, and social belonging.

Internal Mastery (James)

Building on William James, my theory acknowledges that a significant part of self-esteem originates internally, based on our success in meeting personal goals. When we perceive ourselves as competent or successful in pursuits we deem important, we experience a sense of mastery. Personal aspirations influence this internal evaluation, and self-esteem can rise and fall depending on how closely we meet — or redefine — those aspirations.

Personal worth + Social Validation (Maslow)

In line with Abraham Maslow, my theory proposes that self-esteem also requires a stable sense of internal worth and respect from others. Feeling inherently valuable is one side of the coin; receiving external validation — recognition, encouragement, and positive regard — reinforces this internal sense of worth. These two aspects ensure that self-esteem is neither purely an inward feeling nor solely dependent on external praise but rather a dynamic interplay between personal belief in oneself and signals of appreciation from one's social environment.

Social Connection (Leary)

Expanding on Mark Leary's sociometer theory, my model asserts that self-esteem is highly sensitive to our level of social acceptance. Because humans evolved to thrive in groups, perceived acceptance or rejection can significantly shift how we feel about ourselves. This "internal alarm system" still operates today, prompting us to seek cooperation, belonging, and positive connections to protect our emotional well-being.

By integrating these elements, my theory suggests that healthy, stable self-esteem relies on integrating these three components.

Personal Competence (James) — Individuals regularly set and achieve goals that matter to them, maintaining a sense of progress and self-efficacy.
Core Worth + External Respect (Maslow) — We develop a healthy inner belief in our inherent value, supported and sustained by recognition from significant others.
Social Connection (Leary) — We nurture meaningful relationships, seek out groups or communities where we feel included, and respond adaptively to social cues of acceptance or rejection.

Summary: The Self-Esteem Integration Theory weaves internal mastery, fundamental personal worth, and social belonging to explain how self-esteem develops. This perspective acknowledges that self-esteem is not a single-factor phenomenon but a dynamic constellation of individual achievements, internal beliefs, and the social signals we receive from others.

Conclusion

Why Is Self-Esteem Important?

Relationships: Healthy self-esteem supports good boundaries and effective communication.
Mental Health: Low self-esteem often contributes to anxiety, depression, and other issues.
Motivation: Believing in yourself encourages pursuing goals and persisting through setbacks.
Physical Health: Strong self-esteem correlates with better self-care habits.

When you have healthy self-esteem, you see yourself as deserving respect, value your opinions, and feel ok with not being perfect. Self-esteem is a continuum of positive experiences and self-reflection, and you can move toward a healthier view of yourself over time.

All three theories discussed (James, Maslow, Leary) emphasize the importance of social connection and belongingness for self-esteem, but how self-esteem develops differs slightly among them:

Maslow: Self-esteem is a critical need that combines a stable internal worth with respect from others.
James: Self-esteem is an internal measure of perceived success in achieving personal goals.
Leary: Self-esteem fluctuates in response to social feedback and relational value—an external gauge of how well we fit in socially.
Ellis: (that would be me) The Self-Esteem Integration Model asserts that self-esteem develops from the interplay of three interconnected dimensions: internal mastery through personal achievements (inspired by William James), a stable sense of personal worth and external validation (drawing from Abraham Maslow), and social acceptance and connection (based on Mark Leary's sociometer theory).

We can learn to accept ourselves with a bit of insight and effort. And we need to cultivate relationships with mutual esteem. Society's growing emphasis on inclusiveness and being less critical of how others live should help with accepting ourselves and developing supportive relations and positive interactions at home, at work, and in the community. Take a moment to reflect on your self-esteem—what are your strengths, and where do you want to grow?